Children aged between 5-10 yrs find it difficult to talk about their feelings in the same direct way that adults do.
Have you noticed how a child reacts if you ask them directly, ‘How do you feel about Granny dying?’ Most likely they will look away from you, change the subject, or just shrug and say, ‘Don’t know’. These are typical reactions from children whose cognitive capacity has not yet developed to the stage where they can understand and verbally articulate their feelings, like adults. The risk, therefore, is that children will feel isolated and lost in their grief if no-one is speaking in their language.
Ellie was 8 years old when Norris, her beloved cat died. Her Mum referred Ellie for play therapy because of her increased anxiety at home and school. Abigail Marks, clinical psychologist says a pet dying affects children because it highlights the unpredictability of the world for the child and makes them feel insecure.
In the midst of Ellie’s grief and heartbreak was the challenge of how she could do what Professor Robert Niemeyer, clinical psychologist calls ‘reconstructing meaning’ in life in the wake of loss and bereavement. One way I have found is through reading a therapeutic story.
Therapeutic storytelling uses metaphor to help bring about healing change in traumatic circumstances such as loss and bereavement. Therapeutic stories create sufficient coherence to facilitate talk about felt confusion or misunderstanding. (Gersie: 1997).
The process is powerful in its simplicity. When a child identifies with the story character, (for example, an animal losing his mother), and goes on the journey with the character, the child is able to process their traumatic emotions and feelings through the story character.
As a result of this, disturbed thoughts and feelings can be clarified with greater ease, and troubling memories are often worked through in a non-confrontational way for the child. This narrative cover gives children the chance to have their say about their loss without the challenge of committing themselves to an opinion.
The narrative structure of therapeutic stories closely follows the hero’s journey, where the main character faces a challenge that he must learn how to overcome. Obstacles will appear along the way, and it’s this central challenge which the child can relate to.
The story character learns life lessons, and importantly how to draw on his own inner resources, and those of the helpers who appear on his journey path. The story ends with the character winning his battle, and thus being transformed by the experience.
Ideally, therapeutic stories should be read to a child, so that an adult can answer any questions. It’s important to recognise that if handled sensitively, a child’s questions can lead to them opening up about their circumstances, but this must not be pushed.
Continuing with the animal example, I have heard children express sadness about an animal’s loss, which is their indirect way of expressing their own sadness. They feel safe doing this, which means that the grieving process can begin on their terms.
This is an extract from a case study in my book, Helping Children Cope with Loss and Change: a guide for professionals and parents (Routledge). The case study includes the therapeutic toolkit I used with Ellie: a short story called, ‘Come into the Garden Maud’ to be read aloud to children, questions to ask, key messages to use and avoid, plus a classroom activity called memory stones.
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Listen to my podcast episode, How to support a child who loses a pet.
