In January, I was invited to join the incredible Julia Samuel MBE on her Instagram channel to discuss the losses that children have experienced and how, as parents and carers, we can effectively help them to unpack these big emotions. The conversation was vast and so I have broken this into two blog posts. In this one I will focus on the Covid pandemic and growing anxiety in children.
Anxiety on the rise
Even before the pandemic, we were seeing a rise in the numbers of children diagnosed with anxiety disorders and poor mental health. The number of cases since the pandemic has certainly increased somewhere in the region of 40% across children and teenagers. There is a worrying statistic from the US citing a more than 50% increase in suspected suicide attempts among girls aged 12-17 in early 2021 compared to the same period in 2019.
Before the pandemic there was almost a comfort blanket in that if your child was showing signs of anxiety, you would have support – they could get a referral to see a therapist or a doctor. The anxiety was over there, it could be compartmentalised in a way and led by an expert with the tools and experience to help.
The problem is, these resources are stretched. Councils and social services do not have the capacity to fulfil this increased demand. Schools are struggling with the idea that they must put more support for mental health and anxiety disorders in place.
Now the anxiety is very much in our homes, it is closer than ever, and it is personal. Moreover, there is no longer that divide between the child’s anxiety and that of the parent or caregiver. What I see now is that there’s a dance going on between parents and children, somehow locked into the same anxiety so the parent gets anxious, because their child’s anxious but they don’t know what to do. The child is not saying anything because they might upset the parent.
The challenge is to unpack the adult anxiety alongside the child’s anxiety, it’s not just one or the other. They are very linked.
Seeing the warning signs
The pandemic has brought to light the strength and weaknesses in the relationship pair. We are all adjusting and finding ways to keep relationships alive, and technology has become a massive part of this. But, one of the questions I am always asked is whether there should be limits on how much technology we use. In this changing environment there is not a one size fits all answer to this.
Technology has its place. It has helped children stay in touch with friends and family members, but it is important to remember that it can be very isolating and open to interpretation. How many times have you, as an adult, read a text or email and your low mood or insecurities have made you view it as a criticism or an attack? Our children are no different.
What we can do is look for the warning signs – both for our own anxieties and those in our children.
The warning signs can vary but here are a few to use as a guide. Remember you know both you and your child so always use your intuition alongside this.
1) Changes in behaviour – more emotional outbursts, increased frustration, quicker to temper, isolating themselves
2) Personal hygiene – stopping showering, brushing hair and teeth
3) Loss of interest – no longer wanting to partake in activities that they enjoyed, not wanting to put effort into school or work
4) Sleep issues – struggling to get to sleep, problems with waking in the night, wanting to sleep all the time
5) Pulling away from relationships – not texting or video chatting friends as much, changing rooms when people come over
Secure your own mask first
Back in the days when we could travel, we would all pay attention to the flight attendants as they told us that, should there be a problem with the cabin pressure and oxygen levels are affected, you must first secure your own mask before helping others.
This may feel counterintuitive – after all, our children come before everything.
But here’s the thing – if your oxygen levels dip too low it causes hypoxia. You will experience symptoms such as coughing, confusion, headaches, nausea and even unconsciousness. By taking those seconds to ensure your oxygen levels are maintained you are in a much better position to effectively help those you love.
This is what we need to understand and appreciate with mental health. If we are struggling ourselves, we will not be as effective in helping our children cope with the big emotions. It is not selfish; it is self-care for the greater good.
Don’t start the big conversation when you feel angry or upset, because that’s going to transmit to the child that then adds up both bases. Recognise that you’re entitled to your own space. Somewhere you can go and just self soothe before you have that conversation about why the child is anxious.
Unpacking the emotional backpack
When we see our child hurting, the compulsion is to fix it for them. We make assumptions and go straight into actions without understanding the root cause or causes. Particularly in cases of bereavement, it is often assumed that the overwhelming emotion will be sadness – but it could equally be fear or anger that is driving the anxiety.
As adults we can find it difficult and even overwhelming to vocalise our feelings, to give a name to what we are feeling when there are so many conflicting feelings. When we ask a child to do this it can feel confrontational, and they are likely to retreat further.
I visualise it as an Invisible Backpack. Everyone carries around these invisible backpacks and it’s about how heavy they feel. Does it feel heavy today? What “stone” is feeling burdensome? Name the stone, take it out and throw it away. Sometimes that’s enough. The more you unpack the lighter the load but do appreciate that you may need to do this over time.
Simple steps like going for a walk or playing a game can provide a platform for them to act out their feelings.
Encourage your child to draw what they are feeling or what they dreamt about. Give them a safe place where they can talk about what they are feeling and thinking, actively listen to what they are telling you and repeat it back so they know you have heard what they are saying.
Fast-paced living and anxiety
I do believe that the pandemic has caused an exponential increase in the number of cases of anxiety we have seen. But it is important to acknowledge that it has also given rise to a greater acceptance that anxiety is a serious issue and that is it non-discriminatory with who it affects – age, gender, background, wealth, none of these will necessarily give you a free pass from anxiety.
What we can do is to look at how we can help support ourselves and our loved ones, give ourselves permission to slow down and do just one thing at a time rather than 10, allow ourselves to feel our emotions rather than lock them away.
Play therapy techniques
Earlier this year I launched my FREE ebook ‘10 Simple Play Therapy Techniques You Can Use to Help Your Child with Grief, Loss and Change’ to give parents the tools that can help a child process loss.
