Billy was one of my most challenging cases. He was 8 years old when his Head Teacher referred him for play therapy because of his angry meltdowns. On the surface, Billy was angry about leaving his teacher to move up to the next year. During his therapy it emerged Billy was also angry with other people in his life: his divorced parents fought over his custody arrangements so Billy didn’t know from one day to the next where he was sleeping. He had moved house and his toys were not located in one place. Beneath Billy’s anger were his feelings of sadness about his losses: his family unit, family home, everything familiar to him which made him feel secure.
According to Bright Horizons, Family Solutions there are four pillars of security in a child’s life:
- People: attachment figures – those whom children rely on for strength and reassurance.
- Place: the familiar settings where children feel comfortable and safe.
- Routine: the regular, dependable daily plan such as how a teacher conducts circle time or a parent prepares a snack.
- Ritual: comforting traditions like singing a “Good Morning” song everyday as children sit in their favourite spot.
When children experience a loss in any of the four pillars of security, their foundation becomes wobbly. Their reactions, if prolonged and escalating, can mirror a bereavement. To the child, there is no distinction, the anger or sadness they feel is akin to that person dying. With rituals, I have known children to get upset if another child is in their special place, an indication of the sensitivity some children can feel towards change. If children can resolve this issue themselves it’s usually a sign that they have enough resilience and inner resources to cope with this type of change. If they get disproportionately upset, it can be a sign that they are struggling with other types of loss.
We therefore need to be alert to the signs so we don’t assume the reaction is just about the surface thing. Billy was angry to lose his teacher but, this was only a trigger for Billy’s underlying grief. In order to help Billy to accept the complexity of his feelings about his losses, he needed the therapeutic intervention of play therapy. This gave Billy a bridge between his internal and external worlds, and helped to normalise his grief. After 12 sessions Billy had learned how to self-regulate and express his needs.
This is an extract from a case study in my book, Helping Children Cope with Loss and Change: a guide for professionals and parents (Routledge). The case study includes the therapeutic toolkit I used with Billy: a short story to be read aloud to children, questions to ask, key messages to use and avoid, plus a classroom activity called ‘musical chairs.’
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