Erna Furman (author of A Child’s Parent Dies) says that the bereaved child has a threefold task:
1/ to cope with the immediate impact of the circumstances,
2/ to grieve, and
3/ to resume and continue his emotional life in harmony with his level of maturity.
None of these tasks is completed within a prescribed timeframe. Bereavement has no clock. Depending on internal and external factors, each task may present ongoing difficulties for the bereaved or, it may be resolved in such a way as not to impede functioning in later years.
Dr Furman insisted that children not be misled or deceived when a parent dies. She wrote:
“In all bereavement, it is extraordinarily important that all of the realities of the death be known and appreciated by the survivor, particularly the cause of the death.”When a child knows the facts, they are less likely to fantasise about how the person they loved died. Nightmares may not be as common either when they know the truth about how their loved one died. This helps them to start the grieving process. Use language that is clear the person who has died is never returning. This helps children to start accepting the finality of death. During my recent podcast interview with Ann Chalmers, CEO of Child Bereavement UK, she suggested explaining that when a person dies, their body stops working. This is a tangible image to evidence a child’s loss. This also opens the door for further conversation especially if the child has questions and is struggling with acceptance. The job of resuming and continuing to live life is something which is best done alongside the grieving. The two become inextricably linked. In fact, as the child grows and develops, so will their relationship to their loss also change. Play th You can listen to my podcast conversation with Ian and Phoebe Gilbert about how they found hope after parental loss. Join my private Facebook Group, Supporting Bereaved Children to Find Their Smile Again and receive a free ebook: How to Help Your Grieving Child: 10 Simple Play Therapy Techniques Every Parent Can Use To Help Their Child With Grief, Loss and Change.
